


i'm a bit overwhelmed

by briannaisokay



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - No Killing Game (Dangan Ronpa), Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Autism Spectrum, Autistic Ishimaru Kiyotaka, Background Hanamura Teruteru, Bisexual Owada Mondo, Dyslexic Oowada Mondo, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Gay Togami Byakuya, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Owada Mondo Swears, POV Togami Byakuya, Paranoia, Physical Abuse, Togami Byakuya Being An Asshole, Togami Byakuya is Bad at Feelings, Togami Byakuya-Centric, Vent-fic, Violent Thoughts, autistic byakuya togami, impulsive thoughts, internalized ableism, the autism is diagnosed the ocd is not, togami has ocd
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:15:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27827359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/briannaisokay/pseuds/briannaisokay
Summary: ***CW: MELTDOWN (AUTISM), MAJOR ISSUES WITH GERMS//TALKING ABOUT GERMS, SELF-DEPRECATING THOUGHTS//IMPULSIVE THOUGHTS, BRIEF DESCRIPTIONS OF NOT EATING//PUKING (NOT E.D), VAGUE//DETAILED DESCRIPTIONS OF PARENTAL ABUSE, SCARS (NOT SH RELATED), SWEARING***For reasons unknown, Byakuya Togami practically disappeared from Hope's Peak's halls nearly a year ago. And one enlightening Saturday night, Mondo Oowada finds out why.
Relationships: Ishimaru Kiyotaka & Oowada Mondo, Ishimaru Kiyotaka & Togami Byakuya, Oowada Mondo & Togami Byakuya, Oowada Mondo/Togami Byakuya
Comments: 16
Kudos: 94





	1. this is not okay

**Author's Note:**

> so this is a HUGE vent fic, basically me projecting onto togami and my comfort ship. i'm working on the next two chapters, and another project rn so i just need to post this cos i keep staring at it (more details about the other stuff in the notes at the end) so uh yeah, hope you enjoy. oh also i type this in word then copy paste into ao3 so it reads differently in both???? like the screen is wider on ao3 so the formatting and paragraphs look different in both, so it looks better in word, uhhhh, so sorry bout that :(

~~I hate when I have these days. Why can’t I be normal for fuck’s sake?~~

I paced up and down the kitchen,

_Seven steps each way, don’t forget,_

gripping my hair and muttering to myself.

“Touch; hair, clothes, floor, glasses, shoes… Sight; floor, walls, countertop, knife block, windows…” It was some grounding exercise I had read about a while back. My brain was scattered, and the breathing stuff hadn’t worked, so I was desperate.

“Uh, hearing; me talking, my footsteps, the fridge-” I cut myself off. That damn fridge. It whines, and whines ~~and won’t stop fucking whining~~ , but the kitchen is the only room I could cope with, so I have to deal with it. The carpet in my room had been giving me a headache. It was too soft, and it made everything hot and I thought I was going to suffocate if I didn’t get away from it.

I could’ve gone into my bathroom, but the knowledge of how many germs are in their makes me want to puke. I tried, but my hand brushed off the towel, still damp from when I had washed my hands raw, and I gagged. I knew,

 _logically_ ,

that they were my germs on the towel, but it didn’t stop me from wanting to burn everything in that room, just so I didn’t have to touch it. Even the tiles, the main reason I went it there because they’re cold and solid, felt wet and dirty, despite me not showering all week.

I never shower in school.

Someone lived in that room before me, and that means they showered in that bathroom before me. Their germs are always there, growing, manifesting, tainting everything I own. On bad days, I can’t even use the toilet. I’m extremely grateful for the fact that I’m able to do my own laundry. I’ll shower at home, but if my routine gets changed, everything suddenly becomes overwhelming and it’s nearly impossible to move, let alone bathe. There’ve been times where Pennyworth has had to drag me into the shower with force, because I refused to take one.

I barely leave my room when at school anyways, so my hygiene isn’t really an issue for other students. I hardly see anyone, except Fukawa of course, but she’s more pest than person.

~~Being around normal people hurts my head.~~

_It’s for the best_

_People only want to know you so they can use you_

_Ruin you_

_And if someone got close, they’d certainly notice how abnormal you are_

_And you don’t want that, do you?_

So, that’s why I came to the kitchen. Cold and solid and _sterile_ tiles. Hanumura treated this kitchen as his prized possession so it was constantly cleaned and held to high standards. It eased my mind, just the slightest bit, but slight is better than anything at this point.

~~God, why is it so fucking hot?~~

I turned towards the sink, and gripped the edge, the freezing metal giving me some sort of relief. Not enough relief, unfortunately. I stared at the tap. Running cold water over my wrists should cool me down, but that means I have to touch the handle. Other people have touched it. There was paper towel dispenser that I could use to

People touch that too.

_~~Stop being a pussy and~~ _ _just turn on the goddamn tap._

_Imagine if word of this got out_

_“Togami Conglomerate Heir Afraid of Germs”_

_What use is a businessman scared of some dirt?_

My hand gripped the tap and I twisted, cringing at the wet and dirty feeling. I threw my hands under the water as fast as possible to get rid of the germs that I could already feel crawling up my skin. In my haste, I didn’t roll up my sleeves, and two layers of damp, hot, ~~annoying, stupid~~ clothing stuck to my skin and wouldn’t get off, ~~get off, get off, get off, get off, get off, get off~~

I ripped off my suit jacket and flung it on the ground. My sleeves need to be rolled up, ~~roll them up, roll them up, roll them up~~

I scrambled to tug up my sleeves, and roll them, but it wasn’t right. Too loose. I tried again, my hands trembling with ~~adrenaline? fear?~~ Too tight.

_Oh no_

I kept trying over and over, but it wasn’t working, and now my face was hot, and my hair felt clingy with sweat, and my glasses were slipping, so I tucked my hair behind my ear but it came loose, and I fixed my glasses but now they were too high, and my skin tingled, ~~crawled, oh god, it feels like bugs, there’s bugs crawling all over me, make it stop, make it stop, make it stop, make it~~

Snatching my glasses off my face, I flung them as far and as hard as I could. A tiny shatter echoed in the room, but it was drowned out by my pounding heart filling my ears, by the loud, ~~too loud~~ water that I couldn’t turn off, and by that whine, ~~whine, whine, whine, whine, whine, whine~~

I collapsed into a heap, leaning against the counter. I held my hair in a death grip, trying to stop it clinging, and I pulled at my sleeves, trying to roll them up, and I clawed at my skin, trying to stop it from tingling ~~crawling~~ but nothing was working, ~~nothing’s working, nothing’s~~

“Uh, Togami? That you? Y’alright?” My head snapped up, and there stood Oowada a few feet away. How much has he seen? He’s probably seen everything, he knows, he’s going to tell everyone, the media will find out, father’s going to kill me, oh no _oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no ~~oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh~~_

I opened my mouth, trying to force some kind of an explanation out, but every word I had ever heard rattled in my brain, screaming for attention.

“Hey, dude, it’s alright, yeah? Don’t force yerself to talk. I’m gonna ask ya questions, and yer gonna respond with either one blink or two blinks, okay?” He had crouched beside me, leaving enough space for me to breathe. His tone was gentler than usual, his voice quiet for once.

“Blink once if that’s okay,” I stared at him, or as best I could. Without my glasses everything was blurry, but it shouldn’t be this blurry- Was I crying?

“Togami, I need ya to answer, okay?” I glanced up and gave a forced blink. I think he smiled, but I couldn’t tell. “Good. Alright, are yer sleeves bothering ya? One blink, yes, two blinks, no,”

I blinked.

“Can I roll them up for ya? One blink, yes, two blinks, no,” Have him touch me? The amount of germs that most definitely lived on him were endless. He was always in that dirty garage so

_He looks clean,_

_And you need to have your sleeves rolled up ~~because you’re too incompetent to do it yourself.~~_

_Take the help_

_Just this once_

My brow furrowed. “Togami, ya with me?”

I blinked.

“Okay, good. I’m starting with your right arm, okay?” He slowly reached out his own arm to. To touch me. ~~Bad idea, bad idea, red alert, red alert, red alert~~

He stopped moving. I must’ve flinched.

“I’ll try my best not to actually touch ya, I promise. I just wanna roll up your sleeve,” I needed my sleeves rolled up. The water was seeping into my skin, making me feel wet and dirty, just like the tiles and tap. Reluctantly, I stuck my arm out.

“Thank you,” He delicately gripped the cuff of my sleeve, and began rolling. He rolled them like you’d cuff jeans, folding the material almost. The sleeve reached past my elbow and he stopped. “Good?” _Perfect._ I blinked. He smiled, and I was certain about it this time. “I’m moving onto the next sleeve, okay?” I blinked, and same as before he rolled or cuffed or folded, I wasn’t entirely sure, my sleeve. The tingling, ~~crawling~~ stopped, only staying around my neck and face.

“Yer hair bothering you? Once, yes, twice, no.” I blinked. “It’s kinda long. I got a hair tie in my pocket; I can tie it up if ya want. Yes, no?” Hair germs. There’s dandruff, lice, maybe he uses a weird shampoo, “It’s clean, I haven’t used it yet, I swear,”

_He doesn’t seem like the liar type ~~unlike you~~_

_But be cautious_

_Remember, no one can be trusted_

_You’ve only got me_

I blinked.

“Can ya get up, and sit at the island thing? I’ll help ya up. Yes, no?” I blinked. He stood up and reached out his hand, and I took it with only minor hesitation. He pulled me up with almost too much ease. I had been skinny before but finding food that I didn’t throw up straight away had become nearly impossible over the past year.

_You don’t need food anyways, just enough to survive_

_It distracts from your work_

_Your career comes before anything else_

_Even your sanity_

“Will I turn off the tap?”

I blinked. I stood still, arms folded as I watched him turn it off. I sniffled, my tears now dry and tacky against my skin, but it wasn’t enough to set me off again. “Can ya sit down please?” I was probably meant to sit _while_ he was turning off the tap.

_~~Idiot~~ _ _._

The seats surrounding the island counter, were fake, cold, comfy, leather.

“Right, I’m behind ya. I’m going to tie up yer hair now, okay?” He wouldn’t be able to see me blink, so I gave the slightest of nods because that’s all I was able to give. His hands were surprisingly nimble, and his fingers felt light as he gathered all my overgrown, ~~greasy, dirty~~ hair into a miniature ponytail. The tingling stopped. I felt

clean,

cold,

good _._

I kept my arms folded and rested them on the cold marble of the island. The pressure against my chest soothed me and I sighed in content, laying my forehead in my arms. I stayed like that for a few moments, until I grew bored and needed to move. Squeezing my eyes shut and grimacing, I slowly unfolded my arms and rubbed my temples, my hands now cold from the counter.

_Don’t get too comfortable_

_You don’t know what he’ll do_

“Do ya want some water?” Mentally I jumped, but physically all I did was open my eyes and tense. Oowada speaking broke the almost quiet. The fridge was still whining, but it didn’t hurt anymore.

“Sorry for frightening ya, but ya need to re-hydrate,” I stared at him. It was the first time I’d seen him in months. Instead of that ridiculous pompadour, his hair had been pulled into a lazy bun. It suited h

_You can’t think things like that_

He wasn’t wearing all his normal outfit either. Just that white tank top accompanied by a grey tracksuit that I hadn’t seen before. That made sense. It was midnight, on a weekend. He would dress in ~~what normal people think are~~ comfortable clothes. I was the odd one out ~~in more ways than one~~ because I was still wearing my suit. Most of my suit. I turned to look at my discarded jacket. The longer I leave it, the more wrinkled and dirtier it’s going to get ~~, and there’s going to be more for the maids to tell father about.~~

“Will I pick up yer jacket?” I looked back at Oowada, making eye contact for a brief, unbearable second. My gaze flickered between him, my jacket, and the counter as I decided what do to.

_You can get it yourself_

_Just tell him thank you for the help_

_Tell him to go away_

I cleared my throat. “Yes, please. And a glass of water would be much appreciated.” It was the first time I had spoken in a week. My voice was hoarser than normal, but then again, I spoke so little I could hardly have a normal.

“Yer speaking, that’s good. Great,” He grinned. It felt good to make someone smile. Most of my interactions with people consisted of insults. ~~I didn’t want people to get to close enough to notice something was wrong with me~~ , “No problem, whatsoever. Any preferred type of glass? Do you want a straw?”

“An old-fashioned glass, if they’re there, and a straw, but could you…not touch it?” I trailed off, feeling stupid, ~~abnormal.~~ My eyes were deadlocked to the counter.

“Yeah, no bother, I’ll just bring ya over the box so ya can choose yourself,” He brushed off my request like it was completely in the ordinary.

“Ah, t-thank you,”

_~~Fuck.~~ _

I stuttered.

He’s thinks I’m idiotic, immature, he’s going to tell everyone that I stutter and they’re all going to think I’m useless, he pays no heed and walks towards the tap

He pays no heed and walks towards the tap?

_That’s not right_

“I’m about to turn on the tap. If ya want, ya can cover your ears, it’ll help block out the noise,” He called over. Dumbfounded by his lack of reaction, I did as told and cupped my hands over my ears, waiting for him to hand me my water.

_This is some kind of elaborate trick_

_He’s going to hurt you_

_Don’t trust him_

_Do_

_Not_

_Trust_

_Him_

He carefully hung my jacket on the back of a chair, pulling out another for himself so he could sit beside me. With two glasses in hand and a box full of plastic straws tucked into his arm, he was cautious in every move he made. Sliding one glass over to me, he placed the other down and held out the box towards me. I scanned it over. They were stripped with white and various colours, but I wasn’t scanning for which colour I wanted. I was always going to choose green, and blue, if green wasn’t an option.

I was scanning to find the least populated area in the box, the easiest area to pull out a straw without touching the others so people wouldn’t get contaminated if they also wanted to use the straws. I settled on a section, and as skilfully as I could, pulled out a green straw, plopping it into my glass. Oowada did the same, minus the scanning and he used a red straw instead. I looked away from his glass. I didn’t like red. My hand clenched around my glass and I lifted it so the straw reached my mouth. I liked plastic straws. They felt nice to chew.

“Are ya autistic?” I froze.

_~~Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit~~ _

_I told you, but you didn’t listen!_

_Why didn’t you listen?!_

“It’s not a bad thing! Togami-” My hands trembled, my teeth splintering from the pressure of being pressed together. The tingling ~~crawling~~ was back, around the base of my neck. “Jesus be careful, yer gonna hurt yerself with that kinda grip,” He pushed my wrist down and pried my hand off the glass. There were red marks from where the design had dug into my palm. My hand fell into a fist, and I moved it down to join my other hand clenched on my knee.

_Get out of here as fast as you can_

_Do whatever it takes_

_No one can know_

“How much do you want?” Now my voice was quiet. I stared straight ahead, unsure if I was blinking or not.

“Huh?”

“How. Much. Do. You. Want?” My teeth ached, but I didn’t let them separate.

“For what?”

“ _‘For what?’_ To not tell anyone, what do you fucking think?!” I snapped, finally moving my head to glare at him. He looked… upset?

_He’s probably just annoyed you caught him trying to blackmail you_

_Don’t think about him_

_His feelings don’t matter_

“I don’t want shit, dude.”

I scoffed, and turned away, folding my arms, and slouching into my seat. “People always want something. So, come on. Name your price,”

“I said, I don’t want shit. This isn’t my shit to tell anyone,” I relaxed slightly, but I was still on edge. There has to be a catch.

_Of course there’s a catch, ~~don’t be idiotic~~_

“Well, it’s easy revenge, then,” There has to be a reason, “Every time we interact, we’re at each other’s throat. Tell everyone that I’m,” I couldn’t say it, “Tell everyone this, and you’ve shamed me, ruined my life and career. A quick, effective way to get back at me for all the corncob insults,” The corncob ones were less insult and more observation, because his hair was truly atrocious. But I did feel partially bad about the likely possibility that I’ve hurt his feelings.

_Don’t waste your time being concerned about him_

_Let him be hurt_

_He’s going to hurt you_

_Think of it as pre-emptive revenge_

“Ya really assume the worst in everyone, huh? I don’t care that yer au-”

“Don’t say it.”

“That yer… different. Sure, yer a dick, but I barely care anymore. I hardly see ya enough to care. You’ve holed up in the last year. Everyone’s worried about you,”

“Bullshit,”

“I mean it, Togami. Even Toko struggles to find you anymore and she could have her talent changed to Ultimate Stalker, for fuck’s sake,”

_He can’t know_

_Push him away_

_Hurt_

_Him_

“How I spend my days are no plebian’s business. And you say Fukuwa being unable to bother me like it’s a bad thing,”

“That’s not the point I was making. What I meant is that yer here, but yer not at the same time,”

“That statement is impossible, I can’t be in two places at once,”

“Metaphorically. Yer at school, but ya just stay in your room 24/7. Ya don’t go to class, ya don’t go the canteen, ya barely even go the library anymore and that was yer second home,”

_HURT_

_HIM_

“I’m surprised you even know where the library is,”

“Don’t deflect what I’m saying,”

“Deflect’s a big word, it’s shocking that you know how to use correctly,”

“Ya can’t just push everyone away for the rest of yer life!” His normal temper quickly fired up, cutting me off, but it was quenched just as fast, “Look. I know it’s easier said than done, but ya gotta trust me, dude. I’m not gonna tell anyone. It’d be way worse to do that than anything you’ve ever said to me. And I’ve too much to lose if I go babbling. It’s a lose-lose situation,”

“What could you possibly lose?” I sneered.

“Everyone’s respect, Taka’s especially,” Ah, yes, his _kyoudai._ I can’t pick who’s louder and more annoying.

~~I’m just jealous of how close they are because I’ve never had any friends~~ _. ~~~~_

_There are no friends for Togami’s_

_There’s only people who want to hurt you_

“Why would Taka care? I’m certain I’ve insulted him more than once,”

“We’ll he’s au- different too,” I twisted in my seat and stared at him. “That’s how I knew what to do to help you, through your meltdown. Or maybe it was a shutdown. I get confused between the two, but I’m learning,”

What?

I’m

I’m not alone?

_It’s a trap_

_Don’t be fooled that quickly_

“You’re lying,” It couldn’t be true.

“Why would I lie about that?” I couldn’t think as to why he would, but he must be.

_He IS lying_

“But he’s so… so… is well-adjusted the word?” Oowada chuckled.

“It’s taken him years to get to this point. He was diagnosed when he was five though, so he’s had a while,” If I had been diagnosed that early, I would be in some French orphanage, not the heir to Japan’s most powerful conglomerate.

I never would’ve stood a chance.

_And you still don’t if you insist on going around and telling anyone who shows you the slightest bit of kindness_

_He’s_

_going_

_to_

_hurt_

_you_

“Wouldn’t Taka be upset if he knew you were telling me this?”

“He doesn’t care, I mean, everyone knows already,” I sat back in my seat, scrunching my face as I thought. How could he not care? More importantly, how did everyone else not care? “When were ya diagnosed?” I quickly glanced up at him, and back down at the counter.

_Don’t tell him anything_

_Leave_

_NOW_

“Um, around a year ago,”

“Is that’s why you disappeared?”

“Partially, yes. Over the years, it’s become more of a struggle to…” I was really lacking with vocabulary tonight, “To pass, I suppose is the best word. I’m at my most calm when alone. I don’t have to think about everything when alone,” Although I knew I would regret sharing this, I felt unrestricted, and.

And free.

It was like for the first time, I was finally able to breathe.

_I mean it, LEAVE_

Oowada nodding knowingly, “Ya don’t have to pretend to be normal when yer alone. I half get it. I got dyslexia, so people think I’m an idiot ‘cause I can’t read well. So, I just stopped reading so they wouldn’t bother me ‘bout it anymore. Ya change yerself so ya don’t stand out for assholes to mock,”

He understands.

“Yes, exactly!” I smiled, nodding vigorously. Too vigorously.

_~~Like a freak.~~ _

My smile dropped, and I turned away, embarrassed from my outburst. I shifted my hands so I could fold my arms tighter.

“Don’t get upset. Yer cute when yer excited,”

He thinks I’m

cute?

_Don’t even THINK of indulging in anything like that_

_Your career will be destroyed before it even begins_

_You’ll be disowned_

_You’ll_

“Ah fuck, that kinda slipped out, I, uh,” Mondo stared at floor, blushing, and rubbing the back of his neck. My own face had heated slightly as well, “What I meant by it was, uh… I mean, I meant it, but not in that, er, way. Yer cute, but I wasn’t tryna come on to ya or something, I was just making an observation, and, uh,”

“You’re digging yourself into a hole,” I stated.

He sighed, “I know,”

I chuckled. It lasted only a few moments, but I believe it was the first time I’ve ever genuinely laughed. No judging or insult behind it, and it certainly wasn’t forced. It felt really good.

_Don’t ignore me_

My lips rested in a smile, “Thank you, for the compliment, but I feel as though you wish to change the subject,”

“That would be fantastic, actually,” He laughed, his cheeks still hot, “So, uh, can I ask more questions ‘bout… ya know,”

_Don’t say another word_

“Depends on the question,”

“Did ya always know that yer different?”

_STOP  
TALKING_

I sighed, “I’ve always been… off, but everyone just thought I was a little savant, or something. I grew up in a such a competitive environment, our work and status mattered more than anything else,” The taunting faces of my dead siblings spun in my head but I pushed the thoughts away as soon as they arrived, “I worked harder than anyone else, and I rightfully won the title of heir, but winning meant people payed more attention… to me…” I could tell he wanted more information, but wasn’t going to ask, so I wasn’t going to answer.

“What pushed it over the edge?” He asked, leaning forward, his elbows on the counter, “Getting the diagnosis, I mean,”

“Oh, um, it was a few things. I struggle with haircuts, handshakes and touching in general… showers,” I muttered the last word, “Eventually, father had heard enough from the staff, and got a psychologist to evaluate me. He thought it was something simple like over-working, or something stupid like anxiety. When he found out, he… he…” I subconsciously traced one of the scars on my arm. Oowada noticed.

“The fucker hit ya!?” His voice rose. I instinctively winced and shushed him.

“Don’t say that!” I whisper-shouted, glancing around nervously at the cameras. Father’s had them monitored more than once, but I’ve behaved, so I should be safe. “He didn’t hit me… not exactly… I. I can’t tell you,”

“Togami, if yer dad’s abusing you-”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He clamped his mouth shut and sank into his seat.

_The only intelligent thing you’ve said tonight_

“Sorry I shouted, I didn’t mean to,” He was quiet again, “I’m always here if ya ever want to talk about it,”

“We barely know each other, that’s hardly a sensible thing to do,” That familiar, bitter, ~~defensive~~ tone took hold of my voice again.

_Good_

_If you leave now, you can still save your hard work_

_Just get up_

_You don’t even have to say goodbye_

“After tonight I probably know ya better than anyone else at school,”

“It wasn’t on purpose,”

“Most good things aren’t,”

Good?

I was part of something… good?

_Stop falling for his tricks_

_You have to listen to me_

“Yer blushing,” I pressed my hand against my face. I was burning.

_~~Shit.~~ _ ~~~~

“It’s hot in here,” My voice was calm, but my posture clearly was not.

“Let’s get ya to bed, then,” He hopped off the chair, and stretched, resting his hands behind his head. I followed suit, grabbing both our glasses to put them in the sink. I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I knew they were just sitting on the counter the whole night. “I’m serious, Togami,” He lazily cocked his head towards me, “My old man wasn’t great either, so no matter what ya think, I’m always here,”

Why is he being so nice to ~~an asshole like~~ me?

_I’m warning you_

_He’s going to hurt you_

_\------------_

The walk to my room was long and silent. I never minded keeping quiet company, but I could never truly enjoy it, always conscious that I should be filling the void with irritating babble. Normal people constantly talked and pauses between conversation were always nicknamed ‘awkward’, which I never understood. Not that my opinion would matter. This world was run by normal people, for normal people, and I just have to blend in and be accepted.

“We’re here,” He broke the silence for me. My door felt imposing, but for good reason. Behind it stood the whole reason I was in this mess: carpet. I was grateful that I was carrying my jacket because it gave me something to fidget with. Oowada must’ve sensed my apprehension. “What caused yer meltdown?”

“Meltdown?” I looked at him quizzically. He’d said the word earlier, but I was too caught up in my distress to pay much attention.

“What happened to you in the kitchen. You weren’t talking though, so it might actually be a shutdown…” His face contorted as he concentrated, but he quickly ran through all he could think of about the subject. It made me concerned for the amount of thoughts he was capable of having. “Like I said, I’m still learning,” He was so relaxed talking about the topic. Perhaps it was because he didn’t suffer from it himself.

“I wasn’t aware that they had a term,”

“They happen often?” Said with pure curiosity, no other motive behind it.

_Don’t answer_

“As a child, nearly every day. I was punished accordingly for the outbursts. Now, they’ve become quieter and happen in privacy. Tonight was an exception,” At the mention of punishments, he tensed but thought better of pushing the topic any further.

“What set ya off?” I considered not telling him, but he knew so much already, it wouldn’t make much of a difference.

_Consider it more_

_It will make a huge difference_

_LISTEN TO ME_

“Carpet, mainly. I can’t bear the feeling, and it’s in both my room and the library,”

“I know all yer senses can kinda work together to irritate ya ‘bout something, but if ya just kept yer shoes on when walking ‘round, wouldn’t it sorta help?”

“I can’t wear my shoes inside my room,”

“Says who?”

“Society,”

“Is society watching ya in yer room?” Oh. That was a good point. “No one’s watching ya, and even if there was, just tell ‘em fuck off, it’s yer room and ya can do what ya want,”

“You’re right, I. I never thought of it like that,”

“Ya feel better ‘bout going in now?” The way he looked at me had no expectations. He didn’t care how I answered. It was one of many firsts from tonight.

_He expects everything of you_

_Everyone does_

_You have a name, a title, to uphold_

“I do. Thank you,”

“Anything else?”

“The, uh, tiles, in my bathroom. And the hand towel. I struggle with… germs,”

He gave me the first quizzical look of the night.

Oh no.

_I told you_

_Shut up while you can_

“Is that not normal?” There was a slight panicked hitch to my voice which I hoped he hadn’t noticed, “Or as normal as I can be at least?”

“Oh, it’s probably nothing, I just haven’t heard that being a common thing with, er, different people, that’s all. It’s different for everyone, obviously,” That relaxed me the smallest bit. “D’ya spill something in there?”

“Huh? Oh, no, I hardly use it. I’m concerned about other’s people’s germs,”

“Who else uses yer bathroom?”

“The previous owner,”

“The last time someone else was in yer room was nearly three years ago. It’s definitely been cleaned since then; their germs wouldn’t be around anymore…”

He was confused. He was concerned. He was judging.

_~~Shit~~ _

_~~You fucked up.~~ _

“Ah, never mind, it’s nothing, I shouldn’t have brought it up,”

“No, it’s something,”

“It’s fine, you should go get some rest, Oowada,”

“Togami, I want to help. And call me Mondo. I hate that formal shit,”

_He’s talking down to you, like a mother does a child_

_He thinks nothing of you_

_Go_

_RUN_

We faced each other, my head tilted towards the floor, arms folded. Despite us being the same height, I felt small and frail beside him. We stood inches apart and yet we lived in completely different worlds. He was so earnest and open, and I’m ~~forced to be~~ closed off and cold. He was so full of life, and I.

I was barely anything at all.

_He’s giving you the chance to change_

_But you won’t take it_

_You’re too afraid, and for good reason too_

_There’s no point even trying_

_Just tell him to go away, like you always do, and go back to how it always was_

_Pretend tonight never happened_

_If you change, you have to throw everything you worked so hard for away_

_And what are you without your work?_

_Your title?_

_Nothing_

_~~Worthless~~ _

_Think about it_

_That’s all you’re good at, anyways_

_Thinking_

_So put your big brain to use and make the right decision_

_Don’t take the risk_

“Togami?” My head lifted.

And I spoke.

“First, if I’m to call you Mondo, then you’re to call me Byakuya, and second I. I want your help, Mondo. I need your help,”

_What are you doing?_

_You’re a fool_

_Are you really going to throw away everything that easily?_

_Putting your life in the hands of a man who probably can’t count past ten?_

_I thought you were smarter than this_

_Fine_

_Go ahead_

_Don’t listen to me_

_You’re making a huge mistake_

_Don’t come crawling back to me when you realise it yourself_

Mondo smiled at me, “How’s ‘bout we start by raiding the janitor’s closet and bleach yer bathroom?” I smiled back.

“Sounds fantastic,”


	2. is this okay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the bois try to clean and togami crys. Trigger//content warnings from the main summary still apply as this chapter deals more in depth with them, so please read with caution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me; im updating this super soon guys :)  
> Me; *doesn’t update for over a month*
> 
> Im so so SO sorry that this is late, I meant to have this done ages ago, but do I know how to organise a schedule??? Of course not. I’ve had a test every day for the past two weeks and my exams got pushed forward a couple weeks cos of covid restrictions, so my brain took that to mean that I can’t do anything else but procrastinate studying. Soooo basically it took me really long to bother writing. I hope y’all like it and third chapter is soon (I promise)

“How’d ya feel ‘bout talking some towels too?” Mondo called from the deepest corner of the closet, arms already flowing with supplies, much like my own. A combination of (new) rags and sponges, various litre bottles of bleach and other cleaning agents, and buckets to combine them all together. I had already read the ingredients lists on all the bottles, so I knew which ones were safe to combine and which ones weren’t. I wasn’t trying to damage my lungs, or worse, die a slow death.

**Are you sure you read the ingredients right?**

I quickly glanced down at the sticker on a yellow non-brand bottle of bleach. The label was blurry but squinting and bringing my head closer made everything readable. Thinking about my glasses lying on the kitchen floor made me anxious, but I couldn’t just drop everything and walk halfway across the school so I could throw them away.

All the ingredients in the bleach. were as I remembered, just like they were the last time I checked. And the time before that. And the time before that. And the time

**You haven’t gone to class in a while, your chemistry will be rusty.**

**You’re probably remembering how they combine wrong**

**You’ll end up making ammonia, killing you both**

“What did you say about towels?” I turned around to face his general direction, quickly adjusting my posture to stop around three bottles crashing onto the floor and breaking my foot.

**What would happen if you did break your foot?**

**Maybe you should do it on purpose**

**Just to see how it feels**

**To see how people react**

“D’ya wanna take some for yer room? Ya said the ones you have bother ya, and these ones are still new in the plastic, so, like, no germs, right?” He side-stepped and struggled to gesture towards the section of shelves that held all sorts of packaged linen. The closet must double as a storage cupboard for spare bedsheets and such.

“That would be great, but I’ll grab them, you’re carrying too much,” I lifted my foot to walk towards him but he had already begun to balance towels on the unbalanced pile in his arms.

“Don’t worry ‘bout it. I’m a big boy, I can handle it,” He flashed me a giant grin while he struggled to steady himself and his oversized load. His teeth were straight, and fairly average in appearance except for his top two canine teeth being longer and sharper than normal. More akin to a dog or a fox than a vampire.

“Your teeth are sharp,” The words were out of my mouth before I had time to dissect them.

_People don’t like negative comments on their appearance_

_He’s going to turn and leave_

“Sorry, that slipped out, I didn’t mean-”

“The great Byakuya Togami apologising to a lowly peasant like me? Never thought I’d see the day,” He snorted, “I mean, I thought the thanking and stuff earlier was extreme, but this is a whole new level,”

_He’s mocking you_

_He doesn’t understand you_

_You know you’re worth more than him, he doesn’t_

_You have to remind him_

“It’s tiring having an ego,” I said plainly, “I don’t have the energy tonight,”

_Back to ignoring me, are you?_

He kept laughing, “Ya know, yer funny when yer not insulting everyone for existing. And the teeth thing doesn’t bother me. They’re pretty cool, huh?”

_You got lucky_

_Next time you speak without thinking, he’ll be furious_

_He might even try to kill you_

“They are actually quite fascinating, I’ve never seen anything like them, except in media of course,”

“Makes me look like a werewolf. Saves me money at Halloween,”

I chuckled, knowing it was a joke but taking a minute to understand the punchline. Fake fangs, obviously. He doesn’t need to buy them since his teeth are already sharp, therefore saving him money. It was funny, once I figured it out, of course.

“Shall we go? I think we have more than enough supplies,”

“That’s fine with me,” Mondo spun on his heel, and regret quickly dampened his expression as he stumbled back and forth, trying to stay on his feet. I kept a smile off my face. It was the polite thing to do. After a short struggle, he managed to stand steady. “Right, uh,”

“Oo- Mondo?”

“Hm?”

“Thank you. For helping me. No one’s,” I sighed, “No one’s ever helped me,”

He smiled, but it was softer than times before, “No problem, dude. But, uh, can we keep moving? This shit is really heavy,” His words trailed into a strained chuckle, and he used his head to gesture to the supplies in his arms.

“Oh, yeah, sorry,”

\-------------------

I fumbled in my pocket for my keys, struggling to hold everything with one and a half arms.

**Are you sure you locked it?**

**You think you did, but maybe you’re just imagining it**

_Wouldn’t want to look like an idiot by unlocking an open door_

I pulled the chain out and slid the key into the lock, turning it with hesitation. The click’s echo bounced off the walls of barren hall.

**Are you sure you heard it click?**

I pushed the door open with my shoulder, and quickly stepped inside so I wouldn’t fall onto the carpet and spill bleach everywhere.

“Don’t feel the need to take off your shoes. I’ll be keeping mine on,” I said, walking further in so Mondo could leave the hall. He opened the bathroom door and stepped in. Thudding from him dumping the supplies into the bathtub rang out throughout the whole room.

“I dunno why yer freaking out ‘bout these germs to be honest. It’s cleaner now than mine’s ever been, not that that’s saying much,” I walked past him, and emptied my arms, not allowing myself to wince at the banging.

“I’m well aware of the irrationality of it, but it doesn’t ease my mind in the slightest,” I turned and headed back for the door. I can’t leave it open.

I grasped the handle, and eased the door shut so it wouldn’t clatter.

Click **.**

I removed my hand and twisted back towards th

**It wasn’t right**

**Close it again**

Grimacing I grabbed the handle again, opening and then closing it again.

Click

“D’ya have any more casual clothes than that suit? Or at least cheaper clothes?”

**Still not right**

**Again**

I rolled my eyes and repeated the process of turning the handle, only to shut the door once more.

Click

“I have gym equipment, that’s fairly inexpensive. Why do you ask?”

**Not right**

**Again**

“Are ya planning on cleaning in a couple thousand-dollars suit? ‘Cause ya are cleaning, I’m doing all this shit on my own,”

Handle, open, shut.

Click

“Oh, no, I just wasn’t thinking. I’ll change in a minute,”

**Again**

Open, shut

Click

**Again**

Open, shut

Click

**Again**

Open, shut

Click

**Again**

Open, sh

A hand gently rested on my wrist, preventing me from fully closing the door.

_A hand?_

_A hand has to belong to someone, it can’t just float_

**You’re being attacked**

**You’re going to die**

_~~We’re~~_ **going** _to_ **di**

Oh.

It’s Mondo.

He eased my hand off the handle and let my arm drop to my side.

“I’ll close this and then I’ll get started on the bathroom while you get changed. Ok?” His expression was gentle and kind. A weight I didn’t know I was carrying was lifted off my shoulders. I felt safe and

_He thinks you’re ~~reta~~_

My attention snapped away from Mondo and focused on the floor as I shuffled to my dresser to find my long-abandoned tracksuit and t-shirt. The crack of a bleach bottle lid being twisted told me that he had gone back into the bathroom. I grabbed a set of glasses off the custom rack that held all my spares and sat on top the dresser. Obviously, it was custom, I needn’t even say that. Nothing else would be worthy of a Togami’s presence.

_You’re a spoiled brat_

_Making sarcastic comments like that_

_People would kill to be in your position and you’re making jokes?_

_Disgusting_

**Father can hear your thoughts if you think about him**

That’s ridiculous.

**He could be telepath**

Telepaths don’t exist.

**He could’ve planted a chip in brain**

**He has the resources to have that done**

Why would he do that? Isn’t monitoring the cameras enough?

**Because he can**

**Is that not reason enough?**

Shut up.

Digging through the top drawer, I somehow managed to find the clothes at the very bottom, light wrinkles from lack of use setting them apart from every other item in the dresser.

_You’ll have to take your shoes off to change_

_The carpet’s going to freak you out_

_You’re going to freak him out_

_He’s going to leave_

It’s only for a minute, I’ll be fine. I can put them back on as soon as I change my trousers.

_You’re arguing with me now?_

_Ignoring is one thing, but this is low_

_Arguing is for commoners_

_A man of your stature commands and takes charge_

_If you can’t do that, ~~then shut up and~~ just take orders instead_

_And I’m ordering you to keep your shoes on and kick Oowada out_

Deep breath. One… two… three.

I kicked off my shoes and scrambled to yank of my trousers and tug on the tracksuit. The carpet wasn’t overbearing anymore but I’d much prefer if it wasn’t there at all. Slipping my shoes back on, I smirked at the thought of how ridiculous I must look. A cheap (by Togami standards) tracksuit paired with thousand-dollar leather brogues and an even more expensive white dress shirt.

_You’ll have to take off your shirt too_

Ah.

I will have to do that.

Though I’m not physically capable of seeing the full extent of my scars, the ones scattered across my arms gave a fair idea of how butchered my back must be. In cold weather, they ache, a constant reminder of my past mistakes and my main reasoning for despising the latter end of the year.

I hated them.

I hated them so much.

_But you deserved them_

_You disappointed him_

_They’re a reminder_

_Of how worthless you are without your title_

_You owe everything to the Togamis_

_To your father_

_Those scars are a small price to pay for eternal glory_

I fiddled with button after button until I was able to slip the button-down shirt off my shoulders.

But I paused before I did.

Like always.

I was stilled by thoughts of how disgusting I must look.

Like always.

My head was filled with grotesque images of haphazard raised scarring taking up every inch of my skin.

Like always.

And the scarring ripping open, leaving raw bleeding wounds covering me in warm red.

Like

Always.

I shook myself free from the thoughts and finally pulled off the shirt off, shivering at the cold the night brought.

Like

A

L

W

A

Y

S

I sighed and shook my head. The predictability of this routine was boring and annoying, and I still found myself disturbed every time. I carefully balanced my shirt on the dresser and reached for the t-shi

“Hey, Byakuya, is this stuff dangerous if it touches your skin or- Holy shit.” I spun around, clutching my gym shirt to my bare chest.

_Good luck finding a way out of this one_

_Since you clearly don’t want my help, you’re on your own_

~~Shit.~~

“I. Mondo. It’s. Please,” I pleaded nonsense, half sentences and unconnected words all fighting to be spoken. I didn’t even hear myself speak with how loud my head was.

“Did yer dad do that?” His voice was quiet. And deep. And threatening. His posture had changed to match, standing his full six feet and two inches, his shoulders tilted back and broad, arms tense and by his side, eyes steely and unwavering.

Were his eyes violet?

_He looks like he’s about to kill you and you’re worried about his eye colour?_

_~~Jesus fucking Christ~~ _

I glanced nervously up at the room’s corners out of habit. There were no cameras in the bedrooms and bathrooms but knowing my father there’s a high chance he’s hidden some or planted bugs. Mondo followed my gaze before looking back at me. I looked at anything but him. “Does he watch the cameras too?”

“O-only when I misbehave,” I said a coherent sentence, but it was the wrong one. It was open-ended and left plenty of room for him to ask questions.

_~~You’re fucked~~ _

_Have fun watching the empire you worked so hard for crumble because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut_

His gaze glided from arm to arm, settling on my sides where minimal scars were visible from the front. I hugged the shirt tighter, unwilling to move my arms.

_He’s judging you_

_I warned you_

_But you never listen_

“Go into the bathroom, Byakuya,” Barely even registering what he said, my legs had already moved and brought me past him. My head stayed down, but I didn’t need eyes to know he was staring at me.

The temperature-drop from stepping into the bathroom raised goosebumps and sent a jolt down my spine. My jaw braced from the chemical fumes whirling their way around the room and up my nose. I fumbled with the shirt, tugging it over my head. It caught on my glasses, sliding them down my nose.

The door closed behind my turned back, “Does he monitor in here?” I spun around and stumbled back, the shirt falling down and covering my torso by itself. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to startle ya,” Mondo leaned against the frame, his intentionally intimidating stance gone.

I drew my arms against my chest, and folded them without thought, “I don’t think he does. Mon-monitor in here, I mean,”

He nodded, “Cool. So, do ya wanna explain how you got… those, or will we just start cleaning and forget anything ever happened?”

_Start cleaning, obviously_

_Don’t even waste energy contemplating this because there’s nothing to contemplate_

_Don’t_

_Risk_

_It_

“It was a table, a glass table,”

_What are you doing?_

“We, Father and I, were eating together, which already was a bad sign, and he said that the diagnosis came back from the psychologist,”

_Shut_

_Up_

_Now_

“And he said that I was… you know, and he started yelling,”

_What do you think you’re doing?_

_Is this your twisted version of typical teenage rebellion?_

_You’re not a teenager_

_You’re a Togami_

_So, stop talking_

_Right_

_NOW_

“He kept going on about how I was unworthy, and a waste of oxygen and I didn’t deserve to be heir and,”

_BE  
QUIET_

“He dragged me out my chair and he just kept screaming and backing me into the corner,”

_~~SHUTUPRIGHTNOWYOUINCOMPETENTWORTHLESSUSELESSPIECEOFSHIT~~ _

“And he pushed me. I fell through this glass coffee table and cut my back all up,”

_~~For fuck’s sake~~ _

_You do ~~shit~~ like this_

_And then try and delude yourself that you’re worthy of praise?_

_Affection?_

_Love?_

“That table was replaced by the next day. I was bed-ridden for weeks. God, he just kept, kept screaming and… and,” I was cut off by my own choked back sobs, and I could barely breathe with how tight I was holding my arms against my chest. My legs gave a warning tremble before I collapsed under my own sorrow, but instead of bruising my kneecaps on the hard tile, I was caught. Mondo wrapped his arms around my side and slowly guided the two of us to safely kneel on the floor. He tugged me closer, my head forced to rest on top his shoulder.

He was hugging me.

This was my first hug.

_Push him off_

Despite how shaky they were, I managed to unfold my arms and slowly drape them around his back.

This was so much better than hugging yourself.

This was fantastic.

I got braver and gripped his shirt in my hands, nuzzling my head into the crook of his neck and crying into his shirt.

“Jesus fecking Christ. Ya poor bastard,” He mumbled. My response was just more wails. “There, there, yeah?” He shifted his position and started stroking my hair. I think I whimpered. “Yer alright, it’s alright,”

_Dear God, you’re falling for a criminal_

**What if you killed Mondo?**

_I hope he does_

Shut up. Both of you. Just let me be happy for five seconds.

\-------------------

“Are ya sure you’ll be okay on yer own?” Mondo stood patiently in front of me, some of the supplies in hand to put them back. I sat on my bed, absentmindedly swinging my feet; something I hadn’t even dreamed of doing until tonight.

I cleared my throat, staring at the floor. My eyes stung. I had cried away all the moisture. But I felt better. My head was clear, and I was finally thinking and seeing and hearing and touching for myself. “I’ll be fine. I’ve slept alone for my whole life, one more night isn’t going to kill me,”

There was a pause.

“Have breakfast with me tomorrow,”

“Huh?” I lifted my head. He had leaned back against the wall, arms folded.

“Have breakfast with me tomorrow. I’ll meet ya here in the morning, we can walk to the canteen and ya can talk to Taka over some food,”

“I. I would… but,”

“You’ve issues with food?”

“Yeah. I have issues with food,”

“I’ll just bring it here then. I’ll grab two of whatever Teru’s whipped up and bring it here. If ya don’t like something, ya don’t have to eat it. No one’ll know, ‘cept me o’ course,”

“What about talking to Ishimaru?”

He stood straight.

“You’ll actually talk to him?”

I shifted around on the bed, pulling myself up higher, “Going off the fact that he was diagnosed at a young age, and that he has such an extreme… thirst for knowledge, he would be a useful source of information,”

Mondo grinned, lengthy canines glimmering, “Dude, that’s fantastic! Do ya wanna meet him here or,”

“No, here’s to informal. The library perhaps? It’s quite a private location,”

“Library’s great. He’ll be free around four probably? We can all meet up then. This is great dude, I’m super proud of ya,”

My cheeks rose about ten degrees in temperature. Without lifting my head, I could see from the corner of my eye that his did too.

“I don’t think I’ve done anything to be proud of. I simply agreed to converse with Ishimaru,”

“Last time I saw ya, ya wouldn’t waste yer precious Togami time with commoners, and ya certainly wouldn’t open up ‘bout yer issues. Yer growing, dude, and that’s definitely something to be proud of,”

I smiled, still not daring to look up, “You’re going to make me nauseous with all that sweet talk,”

He chuckled, “I guess I’ll leave before I make you puke then, huh?”

“I suppose that would be for the best. Oh, and please don’t forget about my glasses in the kitchen,”

“I won’t. Night, Byakuya,”

“Goodnight Mondo. Be careful,”

“When am I ever not careful?”

I quietly gave a one-beat laugh, “Goodnight,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, I don’t have a vampire kink lol, I just think sharp teeth are cool and mondo’s drawn with sharp canines lol, meaning I think he’s cool. Also idk why but Togami with scars make my brain go “brrrrr :)” btw I’m not glorifying abuse (I don’t intend to at least cos that’s a gross thing to do) but Kijo Togami just gives me shitty dad vibes, and Pennyworth is most definitely Togami’s parental figure (Pennyworth stans rise up). But uh yeah, hopefully third chapter will be up a lot quicker than this one was. Thanks for reading, lol :D

**Author's Note:**

> uhhhhhh, the bit about anxiety being stupid wasn't sincere, i feel i have to clarify that, i just thought it would be in line with togami's character. I'll try and get chapter 2 up asap, and there should be 3 chapters by the end (though they mightn't be as long as this one). I'll be going more in depth into the ocd in the next one. Taka's coming soon, don't worry, and mondo and togami aren't going to be in a relationship by the end, but they'll be friends!!!! (and kinda flirty???? idk). so yea, i'll probs update the tagonce the next chapters come out...... (also i have a project im working on rn, it's like a rewrite of the killing game from togami's pov but there's a twist ;) it'll be positive interactions with all the cast, bar junko, and just ship-fodder for all you shippers out there. i'm currently working out the little details, but i should start the first chapter soon. it might end up around 20 chapters????? im not sure yet, but it will be pretty long. so yeah...)  
> Thanks for reading!


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